We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
