Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
