You're a womanizer and a bitch.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
