I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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