HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Randomize
