She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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