I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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