If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
