Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You need Xanax blowdarts
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
