see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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