...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
