I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
