Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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