When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
