if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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