Don't make out with my wife yet
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
