I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
