Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
