Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
