So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
