GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
