I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
