I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
