You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
false alarm. still invincible.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
