There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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