i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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