My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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