I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
