Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
