my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
