I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize