just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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