Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
