Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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