Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
