that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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