1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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