I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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