Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
MIDGETS
????
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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