I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
