I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize