i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
