You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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