I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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