the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
