Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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