i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
