He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
