I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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