my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
