I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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