Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
