My sheets look like a crime scene.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
