I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
